The Myraid Files
by Mononoke's Hellsing1
Summary: The Myraid Files of Naruto. The things that you always wondered about but never got to sayBasically every flame you can think of. We said it and more! RR please!
1. Case One: The Race Factor

Hey All! This is MononokesHellsing and we have a very nice set of warnings and disclaimers.

So, here goes….

Before you read this work of conjoined fiction, there are a few things that you must know.

First and foremost- **_THIS IS A JOKE_!** We don't intend to offend anyone, though we probably will. We're just putting in some random thoughts that occurred to us about Naruto. If you wish to flame, please, flame freely; just don't send anything that will destroy our computers. So, before this fic begins, we apologize.

This fic contains **SPOILERS** If you get your Naruto fix from Cartoon Network **DO NOT READ THIS FIC!** You will be confused and disappointed- badly. Though we realize that we will offend, we have no intention of crushing your fanfics in processing. Please turn away now. Thank you.

We did not create Naruto. If we did, we would age almost every male character and use them of a personal harem. Naruto is the brainchild of Kishimoto-san and should not be confused with this work of fiction.

So that's everything! Please, if you have an opinion about what you're about to read, please tell us. We appreciate feedback. Cheers!

The Myrad Files

Case 1: Racial Profiling

By MononokesHellsing

The Naruto cast is actual very diverse group of people. Though Kishimoto-san probably did not intend to make his characters ethnically diverse, some blaring racial stereotypes have arisen

For example, Neji, Hinata and Sasuke are the stereotypical Asians of the anime. Why? You might ask, well…

Their parents would beat, disown, or be ashamed of them if their orders weren't followed to the letter (while they were alive).

And/or they would be severely punished if they didn't become number one in their class.

The three all have serious self esteem issues. Hinata is unable to have enough confidence to give her opinion in a conversation. She's being groomed into the role of submissive Asian wife. That is not a healthy way to live if you're the heir to an entire family. And don't get me started on Neji. That boy spent years **knowing** that his life was completely worthless when compared with Hinata's and he could beat her ass. And Sauske… well… that's a long ass story.

Sauske and Neji have an overactive 'fixation' with vengeance. These kids live, sleep, and eat the idea of revenge.

The Caucasians of the group would be Naruto, Sakura, Ino, Shikamaru, Ten-ten, Konohamaru and his little gang.

Naruto is the poster child of Ritalin. There is no way of denying it, that boy has ADHD. It's so bad that he _admits_ that he is hyperactive. That and only a white boy would use the 'Sexy no Jutsu' as an attack. A prank, sure, an joke, definitely, but as an attack…. not wise at all. That and his decision to teach a group of children the same damn attack is not the best idea in the world.

Sakura and Ino are stalkers. There is no other way to describe them. Ino is equivelant to the cheerleader/slut of modern high school. I mean, blonde with blue eyes and a short skirt- it's painfully obvious. And Sakura has an unhealthy 'tagalong' complex. She doesn't contribute to anything except the waste of precious air.

Tenten is that smart girl that wishes to be popular and always left her glasses at home. She was quiet and slightly shy and could impale your ass from twenty feet away- if she had her damn glasses and would actually aim. There is no way in hell that you could miss **one** target when you throwing **one hundred **sharp objects. She could have at least hit a toe or some hair. But, _no_ she had to leave her glasses at home, didn't she…

Yes, we're picking on the kids too. Our only beef is that Konohamaru and gang are living off of his grandfathers' fame and money. Now if this isn't like the damn O.C. or Laguna 'fuckin' Beach, I don't know what it is. This little bastard and crew are the Ed and Gin Rummy of Konoha. And if you can't recognize those names, watch the Boondocks. These motherfuckers get away with anything because the village is afraid that the Hokage will become pissed and kill them all.

Now, I am **quite** excited to say that there is an Indian and a Mexican in this group, but I bet you'll never guess who we are thinking about……it is **drum roll** Rock Lee and Shikamaru respectively. Why you might ask…

First off, Rock Lee is hairy as hell. There is no way of getting around that one. Those eyebrows and that haircut give serious clues to the hairy future of Rock Lee.

He loves curry. I'm not sure if that's a signal of his digestive strength or his odd view of life but he will eat something that will defeat the intestines and toilet seats around the world willingly. I'm not trying to be a curry hater, but that shit is strong as hell. Only Indian people eat curry willingly.

Shikamaru lives in an almost perpetual fear of his mother. I know of no other group in the world that fear their mothers like Mexicans. They have the fear down so pat that both Shikamaru and his father speak of his mother in hushed voices outside of their own home. She has them whipped.

Shikamaru is brilliant but lazy. I know about brilliant but lazy Mexicans- I'm related to some. This fool has an IQ of over 200 and the potential to cause some serious damage but won't get out of bed to save his own damn village! This bastard is lazy as hell. If you have to get a teacher to give you an intelligence test in a board game, you won't do shit.

Then we have our half breeds; let's see the first on the list of half breeds would be Kiba. Half back have white. Reasoning's for this:

He has fashions and attitudes like those in the black community. Think about it he's often irritable, wears oversized clothing with big ass pockets, and digs the whitest looking chick he could find. That is black male behavior if I have ever seen it.

As for the white side, well you've never seen a black person with that many dogs; they just don't do pets like that. That's to much shit (**literally**) to keep up with. That definitely has a non-black slant to it.

Another half breed is our dear Kakashi. Who, in our opinion is half black and half Asian. Though his

His black side is accounted for his unique ability of being late for everything. You all remember the exam for team 7. They sat and waited for like 20 minutes!

Not to mention the lazy look in his eyes, honestly that could come from some **GOOD **weed; I mean hey, they **ARE** the leaf village!

Also the fact that he is **extremely** laid back and just seems to have a cool step in his walk. Kakashi doesn't have the stride of a confident ninja, he has the hood' walk. You can only carry so many weapons on your legs, some of the walk is just strut.

Now his Asian side gives him his fighting efficiently and love of books

And his unique appetite for porn. Though done in a subtle and stylish was the name reads porn

And now that we're done with everyone else, we've arrived to the main event: the Black people. After some careful consideration, we have decided that **everyone** from Suna(the Sand Village) and Shino are Black. Our reasoning is:

It's hot in Suna

The Sunagakure is in the **DESERT**. It is **HOT** in the desert. When is the last time that you have seen anyone living in the desert other than black people? No one else is crazy enough to try! And Shino is always walking around in that damn coat. It's the middle of summer and this fool is walking around in a coat! He either must be cold or has a knife. There can be no other explanation.

They wreck shit.

Out of all the times that Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro have fought, when did anything in a mile's radius survive? And then check out Shino's bugs! Piss him off and the locusts will come thicker than Egyptian Plagues! And after they finish destroying things, they just leave. They don't say anything- they just go! I have relatives that do the **same DAMN THING**!

Their hair is nappy.

Don't try to make excuses for it folks, my hair is nappy too. Other types of hair can be kinky, or curly. Gaara and Temari have naps. Naps do not move in the wind. Temari controls wind. If her hair wasn't nappy, why doesn't it move? The same thing applies to Shino. Boy has a fro'. There is no way of escaping that truth. The only person that has the potential to star in the Konoha version of Shaft is Shino.

Their attitudes

Every single member of the Sunagakure has a piss poor attitude. While the fact that they have a piss poor father figure and piss poor childhoods cannot be ignored, even if they were normal, they would still break some shit. There is no getting away from such an attitude. It had to be learned in the hood. And let us not forget Shino's new outfit. That hood and long cloak screams HOOD!

Their country was nearly ruined by the 'white man'

And we're not talking about people from across the ocean. We're talking about Orochimaru people. Think about it, a pale man comes with his army, tricks and misleads everyone in the village and then sends them to kill others that stand in his way. Is it just me or does any of this sound familiar….

Last but not least we have…. Choji. Now, originally we had him on the list of Caucasians but after some serious consideration we decided to have him moved to the Black List. He made the list for one obvious reason: the love of barbeque! That food almost got him killed so he would fight Gaara! Now, we all know that too much pork can kill anyone but this dumb fuck went in the ring against t Gaara for some damn Korean Barbeque.

Please remember, we did warn you about this fic. You chose to read, now please choose to review. More is yet to come!


	2. Case Two: Pedophies Orphans Villians

**Disclaimer**: In the general meaning of things we have nothing against Orphans, nor do we have a problem with yaoi, hell that's good shit, but we do have problems with pedophiles. Also once again, if you haven't watched past Cartoon Network programming there are **SPOILERS**. And finally remember, that this is all a pure joke, we love Naruto and it all belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

The Myriad Files

Case 2:Pedophiles + Orphans Villains!

By MononokeHellsing

Ok, you know this one was bound to show up eventually. This is an issue that must be addressed, with full and excruciating detail. This happens often in the genre of anime but this little pattern happens extremely often within the Naruto-verse. Now what we think is best is that things will be written out from the least prevalent example to the most obvious one. Let's begin!

Our first example would be Raiga Kurosuki and Ranmaru. Now, so no one gets confused, this pairing is from the filler that is currently consuming the anime series. Basically what happens is such. Ranmaru is a young and rather pretty orphanfrom Kirigakure. Key word **ORPHEN**, who had been paralyzed from the waist down and thrown aside by his own kind.

Now let us just say that the young one's predicament is a sad one, no question about that but what can you do? We have nothing against orphans. But let us continue……

Raiga **(Pedophile** in question and former member of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist) comes along and notices the little orphan Ranmaru and decided that he would make use of him (technically the boy had an amazing blood limit which allows him to see through walls and create illusions with real chakra circulatory systems) and decides to save the young boy from his certain doom and misery and promises to show him the world in all it's glory….. right.

Damn that sunshine and flower bullshit!. Why?.. That little boy got it in the ass and you all know it,and what's worse!... the boy was paralyzed! **, Raiga is a mother fucking sick ass bastard!** ,and now Raiga and Ranmaru have a solid 'relationship' with each other and then what do you suppose happens?...can ya tell me?.. yea that's right our dear readers, they become a pair of **villains**, one helping the other survive in more way then one.

Of course the story continues and they run into Naruto who was determined to show Ranmaru that there is more to life then what he is doing. Finally as all things goes Ranmaru and Raiga get defeated, and things take a turn for the worse for Raiga for he does the unexpected and kills himself. Apparently he felt that maybe, **just maybe the boy would have a better life without his negative influence and the constant poling of his ass**. Now we could say that's what the sick bastard deserved this fate in the end, but then again Ranmaru needed someone, pedophile or not. Though there is one problem with this ... the boy is still and orphan…can we say repeat!

And would you like to get us started on Haku? Now, before we get truly into this, you must know that I (mononoke) _adore_ Haku. I loved when he appeared and I cried when he died. After some careful consideration and a bit of sugar we have decided the cause of his death:

Haku was an **orphan**.

We can't blame him for being orphaned. That fault lies with his piss poor father and his father's piss poor parenting abilities. As soon as he found out that his child was a little different, he decided that his 'problem' could be cured by killing his wife and offspring. Tell me people, is keeping secrets that damn hard? We all know that Haku was a bit of a pushover and his wife said nothing about it. All you would have to do is tell the kid to tell no one and that would be it. Was gathering a mob really necessary? That's why they got the 'icy wrath' treatment. But we'll go more into situations like that in Chapter Five.

But let us continue…

After being orphaned poor Haku spent some serious time on the streets. No one cared for him, acknowledged him, or even fed him. Yet did Haku get angry? **NO!** Not only did this kid not hold a grudge about his life, he even made sure that he was going to die in a place that wouldn't take too long to clean up his body. This kid was kind as hell! And who had to good luck to pick up this nice little child- **Momichi FUCKING ZABUZA**! The first of three characters that have no (apparent) concern for the people they take in, had to take in Haku.

Now, even we have to admit, that Zabuza promised Haku nothing. He told that child that he would be a living weapon and that if he died there would be no fuss about it. We do admire that Zabuza was not one for the flowers and sunshine bullshit. But the fact that he exposed Haku to killing annoys us. Refusing to show any affection to the kid bothered us. What pisses us off is the fact that he made that little boy his bitch. Making any child your bitch is **seriously wrong**.

Now, we have nothing against orphans, I (mononoke) am half orphaned myself. **But I had the advantage of not being picked up by Momichi Zabuza and not becoming his 'consort'.** No joke, kiddies, he was _willingly_ called 'Zabuza's consort'. Now, we all know that Haku was pretty. In fact, he was up there with adult Momichi from Fruits Basket in the level of hotness. **But being hot at the age of seven is not enough to constitute becoming the 'consort' of a grown ass man!** That's illegal. There's not way of getting around it shotacon lovers, that's not cool. The only way to become a 'consort' is receiving the pole and that is not cool when you're eight- ever. That is called **pedophilia** and is illegal in most countries. Towards the end of their lives, the motherfucker has Haku talking about not wanting to ruin his 'perfect skin'. This child is under sixteen and getting it from someone a decade older than him. That's called **pedophilia** boys and girls.

And then what does Haku do when the man who made him into a living weapon, forced him to act against his nature, and gave him years of hell is in danger? **He sacrifices himself for the man who gave him the (literal) shaft!** Ain't that a bitch? The motherfucker that told you that your life was worthless to him got you killed. Though we're upset that Haku didn't see this coming, the fact that he died with a smile on his face pisses us off immensely. And then after Haku was good and dead, Zabuza decides to off himself too. We suppose that the idea of living without the feel of Haku's sphincter muscles was too much for him to bear…

Now…here is the Big Gun, the Head Pimp, the King, that Mojo Prince ,the Mack Daddy of them all…..**Orochimaru!. **

This fucker here, has to replace his belt, cause that's how many god damn notches he has etched in the bitch!... I mean damn, you thought the others were bad. You haven't seen anything yet. And let us just say that there is absolutely no remorse for this one, he had no good intention whatsoever, not one shred of it. I mean at least the other Pedophiles in one way or the other cared for their consorts, but not Orochimaru, not that pasty mother fucker!. The four that we will be discussing are Kabuto Yakushi, Anko Mitarashi, Kimmimaru Kaguya and Zaku Abumi.

You all might be wondering who Zaku is, since he doesn't have a resounding name like the others. Well a little background story should do. Do you all remember the Sound Ninja who fought Shino in the Chunin exams?..or even better, the one who got his arms snapped back like a pair of twigs when Sasuke went all curse seal on his ass? Yea that's Zaku.

Anyway as well all know according to the theme, Zaku Abumi was an orphan living on the streets that hustled by stealing for a living, and was almost always beaten for it. Orochimaru being the heroic savior that he is (sarcasm) told him he had potential and liked the strength in his eyes. Yea well that's not the only thing he liked the look of that bastard. You all know it. He got poled too. I mean the big eyes and the long hair must have gotten the serpent ones 'other' snake hot under the collar, and if you are like us, that is one disgusting mental image.

In either case he was taken in, and of course trained to do Orochimarus biddings. From this point on and through the trials of the exams and the attempt to assassinate Uchiha Sasuke he ends up useless. His special ability taken away because his arms were fucked to shreds by the hands of Aburame Shino. Nevertheless he follows Orochimaru to the letter and returns to him still giving the vow that he will never give up and that he would do whatever it took to please Orochimaru. Sounds likes Haku complex no?

Just when you think it can't get to worse for the kid, it makes that fatal turn. When Orochimaru decided to go in and kill the 3rd Hokage, he uses Zaku as one of his two sacrifices. Now isn't that some bullshit! All the boy wanted to do was make him happy, and to feel as if he was worth something more and he went ahead and murder him!... It's all fucked up! I mean that shit is just wrong. Did he deserve it… no! shakes head Poor Zaku, another orphan doomed to be a villain and die by the hands or for their Masters. It's a damn shame.

Though we have no grudge against Anko Mitarashi and her life, she definitely has the Konoha orphan curse going for her. She has no family to speak of, no personal life, or anything resembling a normal childhood. And the reason for that is clear- _she was Orochimaru's student_. To make things even worse, she was his first student, which means that she received all the fucked up treatment before he realized that he was going too far. Think about it, other than the name joke, why do you think she likes dango so damn much. Coincidence, we think not.

And then there is the intelligence factor. Of all of Orochimaru's students she is the only one that managed to escape alive. Out of all the kids that Orochimaru fucked up, she is the only one that managed to have a life. And that is because she ran. She ran like the villages were coming after her with the pitchforks and torches. Of all our theories, the only one that makes sense is the idea that Orochimaru just doesn't like girls that much. He can use their vocal inflections, dress as one, and act like one, but he is not going to bone one. That's just going too far for him. Other than a sure signal of mommy issues, this proves that there is something that can defeat Orochimaru: boobs. Think about it, he had no problem with touching Anko when she was small. He probably touched her in places she didn't know she had. But as soon as she got older and grew a pair of tits, he avoided her like the plague. He didn't even let her try to off herself and him, he just ran. Orochimaru has some serious bobbiephobia.

Now, here I (Hellsing) personally think that this next orphan was fucked over the most. This poor boy Kimimaro's past was without a shadow of a doubt rough. Kimimaro was from the Kaguya clan who could manipulate their bodies' skeletal frame. He was locked in a cage from fear of his abnormally strong ability and was only let out in order to fight. This was so when the Hidden Mist village attacked the Kaguya clan and wiped them out leaving Kimimaro as the sole survivor and walking alone and now orphaned into the forest. Ironically enough, he did encounter Zabuza and Haku but was bypassed by them both and thus fell into Orochimaru's waiting coils. This is where Orochimaru gives Kimimaro reasons to fight, and from that point on was a consort to him.

What suck about this shit is that Orochimaru informed him that he would be a sacrifice. To become a damned container for Orochimaru when he felt like changing bodies. Now he has the kid so poled and brainwashed that Kimimaro thinks of this as an honor, and willing excepts this form of fate. That is until he gets sick. Now the most poplar thoughts on his illness would be that he had tuberculosis because of the bloody coughing thing. We on the other hand think that the Orochimaru gave the fucker AIDS. I mean think about it! He was fine until he became the consort of that pasty fucker!. The disease killed him slowly, and painfully. The whole red lines under his eyes weren't some form of body paint people. He was sick and even still Orochimaru had it in him to call upon him, in all his sickness to fight Gaara, and the only reason was so that his new container (Sasuke) could arrive to him safely. So in the end he was fighting for a man who was replacing his personal sole purpose of life. Now if that ain't some cold hearted shit, I don't know what is!. In the end he made a valiant effort filled with emotion to prove to himself and Orochimaru that he was worth something, and died mid-fight at the hands of his disease.

Yakuhi Kabuto however, is a mystery. Out of all the 'Orochimaru's Angels' he is the one we know the least about. This nut job was 'mysteriously' found by a ninja in a village completely filled with dead people. And after all this time, who does he work for? You guessed it folks, Orochimaru. Not only is Kabuto the only one of Orochimaru's harem that has managed to live through more than seven episodes or ten chapters of manga. Through some careful consideration, we have decided that Kabuto is Orochimaru's head bitch. Out of all the 'Orochimaru's Angels' that have appeared he has lived the longest, has the most devious methods, and manages to ignore his orders the most. Now, anyone else would be killed, but not Kabuto. This must make him a damn necessity in the eyes of Orochimaru. He must be the head bitch or at the very least, wifey. He knows where the secret lairs are, he can locate sell out his Oro-chan in a heartbeat and he has a tendency to do nice things. Only a wife could get away with this shit and live.

And then there's the red eye thing. What type of shit did Orochimaru teach Kabuto so that he could go nuts when he lost his glasses like that? Hell, Mononoke wears glasses and when she loses them she gets a little pissed too, but _damn_. That shit wasn't healthy. Unless those glasses hide the serious red eye that he gets from the Konoha leaf, he has some serious shit going on. The only other explanation is that he and Orochimaru were playing 'hide the rainbow rod' too long the night before. And even then, the quote about 'bad blood' couldn't cover it up. We'll have to wait and see about Kabuto…

But this ends our discussion of Case 2: Pedophiles + Orphans Villains. Stay tuned for more! Next up is Case 3: The Konoha Breeding Program: Love and Contraception.


	3. Konaha Breeding Program:

First and foremost, we both know that we're going to hell. Anyone with human dignity would smack the shit out of us for writing this. Hell, _we_ would smack _ourselves_ if we didn't believe that we were going to hell.

But on a lighter note…

We did not create the wonderful world of Naruto. That joy belongs to Kishimoto-san. We thank Kishimoto-san for his hard work and our constant entertainment. Please remember, this is a work of fictional humor. And that Hellsing and I are going to hell.

Enjoy the case!

Case Three: The Konoha Breeding Program: Love and Contraception

We have to face the facts guys, Konoha needs babies. Without babies, the village is not going to make it to the Fifth or Sixth Hokage. But it seems like every couple that has the option of getting down and makin' bacon dances around the idea. Though some ninja have no hint or intention of even _thinking_ about where the village is going to be in ten years, some thought must be given to the people that populate Konoha.

First and foremost we are going to start off with the Breeding aspect of this chapter. Take a good hard look at the Konaha Ninjas. Have you ever wondered why all the most powerful ninja and bloodlines are in Konaha? Yeah, that's right fuckers- **breeding**. Now picture this, they have the all the potential to train and gain skills in order to go to the Chunin exams. Well, to us there is a reason why there are three parts to the Chunin exams. First the test shows which ones were able to enter the next level of competition. The second part was the **Forest of _fucking_ Death**. Do you all realize how many mother fuckers didn't make it out of that damn forest? We are not even counting the ones we saw were killed! We consider this the weeding out process. And finally the third part of the exam is where they all fight to show who the best is; as well as the over all winner.

Now, we suppose you are wondering what's so wrong with this or where were going. Well to us this whole situation is equivalent to a champion dog show. How you wonder? The first part was like the signing up process, everyone gets to be a part of that. The second part was the weeding out, as in a dog show they would weed out the non pure breeds as well as the ones who simply weren't worth showing off, and finally the third part is the showboating of the biggest and the best. Konaha has their ninja's prancing around like a bunch of bitches…and well… if this doesn't sound like a form of breeding, we don't know what does!

Alright now, let's talk about the children outside of the exams. Let's take a few references from Case 2 shall we? Well if the Hokage took a moment and evaluated the situation, Konaha could have saved about three or four major bloodlines. If anyone noticed all the **ORPEHNS** who became villains were the sole holders of now extinct bloodlines. Examples you say? Well… look at Kimimaro. He had the bone manipulating blood-limit, and we all know he could fuck someone up. **He was** the original container for Orochimaru, but alas he's gone. Another example would be our lovely Haku. Now Haku had the ice release blood-limit. Very powerful and deadly, but of course he ended up dead as well. Had the Hokage just went around and collected up these kids Konaha wouldn't have had that little 'Orochimaru Attacks the Village- Yet Again' problem, cause the kids would have been whooping some major ass.

Then again it is not only the low birth rate or breeding program of Konoha that is playing against them. It's the orphans that are fucking Konoha up. Instead of wasting lives trying to kill off all of these poor bastards, make an orphanage. That way, they'd be able to do something other than being found by villains. And we all know how _that_ turns out. If not, please read Case Two….

But an orphanage would do a great deal of good for the orphans of Konoha. Hell, a Boys and Girls Club or even a Big Brothers/Big Sisters would do some good for these kids. Sure, there would be a hell of a lot of mismatched shirt lengths and threatening messages on articles of work but it would give these kids something to do. After all, giving someone a positive purpose is better than letting them run around in the wild with a pedophile (once again, Case Two). And what would those grateful kids do for you? _**ANYTHING**!_ Look at what Orochimaru's Angels did for him! And he poled the shit out of them. But we'll go into that in another chapter…

Then again, what the children of Konoha and Suna really need are mothers. Think about it, all of these dysfunctional bastards lack either one or two stable parental units. A serious case in point is Naruto. This hyperactive fuck needs a parent to knock the shit out of him for a few moments in his life. After all, the fist person to pay attention to this kid was Iruka-sensei and he wasn't even sure that Naruto could read! Motherfucker needs a parent NOW. With this in mind, we believe that the Saved Cursed Children Foundation (SCCF) should be founded. With all of the fucked up children in Konoha, a task force of mothers should be on hand at all times to deal with the fucked up things that happen to our beloved characters. Every time that Sauske gets depressed, Sakura feels the ramblings of 'Inner Sakura', Might Guy comes near Lee, or Naruto says "batteyo" the amy of mommies would be upon them like white on rice.

Let's get to couples.. sighs

Before we get this started, there is a group of characters that we think shouldn't have relationships at all. The don't need sugar mommas, Baby's momma's dominatrix momma's etc. no they need MOMS!.

These poor souls need someone to tuck them in at night and give a kiss on the forehead. Hell, even a bedtime story or two! Something, anything, just **don't leave these kids alone!** If you spent more than two days on a swing, park bench, dock, or roof while alone you are automatically fucked. Look at the track record. Gaara 'accidentally' killed his mother. He didn't mean to, but that's beside the point. He needed her. You can't have a demon raccoon/dog sealed in your body and not need someone to rub your back when you skin your knee. I mean look at this, Gaara spent some serious time on the _Naruto Universe Spot of Shame: Roof Edition©_ And then what does this kid grow up to enjoy? That's right bitches, Gaara likes to kill things. And the fucker is good at it. If this isn't ironic enough this nappy haired bitch has the word 'love' tattooed on his fucking forehead. He needs a mom, not a date. Please, _please_ **PLEASE**, pray for Gaara….

Neji is another sad ass story. This fatalistic motherfucker is part of the _Naruto Universe Spot of Shame: Caged Bird Swing Edition_. He knows that his entire life is completely worthless when compared with Hinata. And to make it worse, this motherfucker is a motherfucking genius. He has to protect someone that couldn't make a mark on his pale ass. And to make things worse, if he pisses her off, she can kill him. It's like having Charles Xavier in your head all the time. Just one wrong look and that's his ass. And to make it worse, the manji (the backwards swastika) on his head makes things worse becasue he can't even run away from this shit. And after some serious work, therapy, and Prozac© he'd manage to get through the day without a homi/suicidal thought about his family or himself. This bitch needs a mom. And not just any mom, he needs a nice, cheerful mom that will take him somewhere… and keep him there.

Now Sasuke, where to begin with this poor kid? He is the mother Teresa of the emo poster children. This is from the _Naruto_ _Universe Spot of Shame: Dock Edition_. This kid just needs someone to give him a hug every once in a while. He didn't have it so bad until his brother went all Super Saiyan on the family. Not to mention he got Rick Jamesed by Itachi. He was like **" I'm Itachi Bitch" SLAP! **If this doesn't fuck up your self esteem we don't know what will. To make it worse, he didn't just screw up Sasuke, but he doomed every mother fucker that would come in contact with Sasuke from this point on. Sasuke has no one to empathize with him. No one else had their entire family wiped out in like 2 hours! Nor did anyone in the fucking villiage decided to help him out. That's kinda fucked up people. What puts the icing on the cake however is the statement said by Itachi to Sasuke, and we quote " You are not worth killing". Now me and Mononoke agree that at this point , we would have just went and off-ed our own damn selves. How is one suppose to feel after being told that shit!. Granted Sasuke woke up in Konaha's hospital, so he could have just slit his wrists before they decided to check why it was so damn quiet.

After finshing these points, we have come to a odd realization- these bitches are branded for life. Literally. All three of them have some type of mark that makes their lives fucked up. Gaara has that damn 'Love' tattoo on his head, Sauske has the Orochimaru Cursed Seal, and Neji has the Hyuga Headache of Death Meji. It's like making them for a fucked up life. These three should hold support group meetings that start out with:

"Hello. My name is and I have a cursed seal of death"

Then after, the _Naruto SCCF_ would come up and hug and mother the shit out of everyone in the meeting.

But let us go on….

Our two biggest cases in are the pairings who need to get over themselves and hit the sheets are the pairings of Jiraya/Tsunade and Asuma/ Kurenai.

Jiraya and Tsunade have known each other since before time was time and they can't admit that they want each other. Though we do realize that Dan (Tsunade's dead boyfriend) did play a large part in their failure to copulate, there was a serious gap of over twenty years for her to find someone new. And who was always there when she needed him? Jiraya! Now through several talks with my (Mononoke) many brothers, it has been determined**. _Guys who act nice want to fuck you_**. They may be nice, they may be kind, but if they spend some serious time with you, they want to sniff your panties. Think about this, out of everyone in Konoha, Suna, and where ever the hell else Jirya has been with, who is the only one that he hasn't had a chance to stick it to? Tsunade. He wants her- bad. She's the ultimate forbidden fruit, a former teammate, and now the current leader of his village. He just can't touch her without getting fucked in the wrong way.

And then there's Asuma and Kurenai. Now, these two aren't as obvious as Tsunade and Jiraya but they have their moments. This pair of emotionally stunted fuckers are even called out by Kakashi and still didn't have the decency to give an answer. Maybe they just need some more time…

Temari and Shikamaru are a serious fan favorite of ours. These two are a Mr. and Ms. Smith kind of moment. I mean they both don't recognize what the other one has to offer. They just walk around each other's space and do their own thing. And just like in the movie when they realized that they were both skilled and pretty bad ass, the same happened in the series when Temari saved his ass from getting fucked up by the Flute Lady. And what did Shikamaru say after he was saved? That's right... She's scarier then my mom! And that's pretty serious because he thinks his mom is a bitch! But he doesn't say that in front of her now does he? Hell if any man called another woman in this series a bitch they'd be punched back to before the nine tail fox fucked up Konaha.

The next group of potential lovers is in fact not a couple at all; it's more like some convoluted pentagon. The characters in this Pentagon are the following: Hinata, Ino, Sakura, Naruto and Rock Lee. To keep this linked we will move from a pairing to the next involving one of the previous members of the last pairing. So, first are **Hinata and Naruto.**

Now, first I (Mononoke) must say that I adore both Hinata and Naruto. I just don't want them to have anything to do with each other. While it would be cute for the shy, quiet girl and the clumsy hero to find happiness with each other, one big problem stands in the way. **Naruto doesn't pay attention to the shit going around him!** Though this doesn't seem like much in the land of Naruto, this would prove exceptionally difficult in their relationship. Though we all know that Hinata has no problem with being ignored by her family, but by her significant other? That's not kosher folks. Then there's the problem of her family. Many seem to forget that Hinata is the heir of the Hyuga clan. Whomever she chooses must be good for the family more than herself. And I highly doubt that her family would take well to having the 'demon child' as their leader's consort. They'd kill both of their asses before that happened. And then there's the question of whether Naruto is sterile from having Kyubi inside him. Think about it, the first responsibility of any leader is to ensure that there will be another generation to lead the masses. Should the unholy happen and the two actually manage to copulate, there stands a good chance that either Naruto or Hinata will be shooting blanks.

Secondly, the most obvious pairing is Naruto and Sakura. This couple in our opinion shouldn't happen. Why? Sakura is pretty much a waste of ink and air space. She has absolutely no usefulness, well scratch that, she did like a random thing here or there, but in our opinion the likes of Konahomaru would have done just as good a job, and with more efficiency. The only condoned reason for this pairing in our eyes, would be that are clumsy hero cares for her, and it would only be to satisfy his own happiness.

Sakura and Ino seem to be the more appropriate pairing logic wise. Though we have no love for any female character under the age of twenty in Naruto (with the obvious exception of Hinata and Temari) these two would be good for each other. Sakura has had that odd love/hate anime relationship with Ino since they were kids. And to make it even better, Ino doesn't get freaked out by the size of Sakura's massive forehead. Though some issues would occur with their parents we believe that if these two were to get together every single male under in the Rookie Nine and beyond would breath a long ass sight of relif.

Sakura and Rock Lee are last couple. This relationship we applauded. As sick as you, our dear reader might think we are for thinking this we are very much in support of this possible union. Let's face it here, Rock Lee loves him some Sakura, and I (Hellsing) personally think that Rock Lee deserves to get what he wishes for. He works the hardest out of everyone in the village, with persistence and faith that surpasses that of Naruto. Now it would be Lee's luck to fall for a girl who has yet in our opinion to form a use for herself, but alas you can't help who you fall for right? Anyway we can picture this pairing being very efficient together. Lee needs someone to give him purpose outside of becoming a great ninja, because Gai-sensi's is only going to cater to Lee but for so long, and with Sakura on his side, he would have someone to treasure as well as protect. Sakura doesn't really get a choice here, she should just be grateful that anyone wants her large fore headed ass.

Now I am pretty sure you were wondering where the Contraception part comes in. Well here it is folks, short and simple. One would have to wonder how they keep the baby making process under wraps besides the obvious avoidance of fuck buddies. I (Hellsing) personally think that their form of contraception is seals. Yes I said it, seals. Think about it, they use seals to trap huge fucking demons in some ones belly, or to prevent a curse from being unleashed, so why not have a seal to ward off all the baby making sperm. In turn ninja's can do their business anywhere and everywhere without worry and, don't think for one minute that the forest is just for fighting and jumping around in. There is a whole hell of alot of cover with the trees and one could get plenty busy if they wanted to. So all in all Contraception Seals in this lovely land of Naruto.

This concludes case three of the Myriad files. Case 4, "Family Scandals" is next, can't wait to see you there!


	4. Case Four: Family Scandals

Greetings dear readers! This is Hellsing and Mononoke with another dose of mind-decay. Since I (Mononoke) doubt that anyone actually _reads_ these things I'll just get it over with. We do not own Naruto or any of his hyperactive, suicidal, or otherwise generally dysfunctional friends. They belong to Kishimoto-san. We love Kishimoto-san and wish him great happiness. Now read bitches.

The Myriad Files

Case Four: Family Scandals

Now folks, lets us just say that there is going to be a lot coming at you in this case. We had a hard time ourselves trying to figure out how to write this in a cohesive manner. Well here it goes..

First we would like to graze on the subject of the bloodlines in Naruto. We have seen and unfortunate and irreversible trend within the power clans of Naruto. For instance, let's get straight to the point. Kimimaro, Haku, and Ranmaru's bloodlines are.. well GONE. Those mother fuckers either killed themselves off or were taken down by some other power clan. I mean could you imagine if these bloodlines still existed?!. Konaha would be fucked sideways in the ear with a spiked silver pole.

First off , I (Hellsing) am starting to think that they let this shit happen on purpose. I mean they have to stay on top right??.. They're the President Bush of Naruto!!!.. I mean the other clans might as well be immigrants, blacks and Jews. Damn what's left?!. We have the Hyuga Clan which has a main branch and a bitch branch family. Now what does this look like to you??? They are going to kill each other off and there is nothing anyone can do about that shit. Once that branch family figures a way around that damned swastika brand on their forehead it's on!. Their going to be cracking the main families' skulls for frying their brain cells for God knows how long.

Now let's not forget the wonder Uchiha Clan. Not only are half of the surviving members of this clan moody, depressed, and a general pain in the ass, he wants to kill the only other member. It's like Fight Club on crack! After this series finishes, being an Uchiha automatically make you an endangered species. Fuck the pandas, orcas, and bald eagles- send your money to Save the Uchiha Foundation. Of the _entire_ clan only **two** are left. Neither of them are female (sorry Itachi coveters) and neither of them have offspring. Itachi I can almost understand, but Sauske has no excuse. Twelve year old kids have knocked up their teachers before, and that happened _two years_ ago! If Sauske wanted to get laid, he would. He only had the entire village with the execption of Hinata after his jock strap. That is just a show of piss poor planning. Wouldn't it make more sense to live your life happily despite your brother, then going off to kill him, or at least have a bucnh a kids then go send them to kill their unlce. Then again we saw that kind of planing in the Van Hellsing movie, and we all saw where that got them.

Now going into specifics with the Huuga clan. Neji and Hinata are a BIG problem. First of all, if you reference back to case one, they are of the asian persuasion. Now, we all know how they feel about revenge and justce. Neji may seem calm now, but let's not forget he wanted Hinata's ass dead. Hell, had there been no one around he very well would have commited that act by now. Talk about internal affairs. Granted this circumstance is neither of theirs fault directly but Neji could have very well let things be, then again when your father get's killed by his own brother, that _could_ make for some bad blood relations.

Now that we have spoke about the bloodline relations amoung family, this leads us to another dire point. Piss Poor Parenting. Now, though we realize that some parents had no interaction in their children's lives (such as the imaginary parents of Naruto), many fucked up their children for no good reason. The Piss Poor Parents are a group of characters who, in the world of Naruto would have been better just leaving a small pot of piss to raise their children. These fuckers shouldn't have even left their kids on someone's doorstep beacuse they would have been left of Orochimaru's front step. And we all know how that ends up(once again, case two…)… Of all the Piss Poor Parents (who shall be known forevermore as the PPP's) the four that fucked their children up the most are Uchiha Fugaku, the amazing Hyuga twins, and the Yondaime Kazekage. Though there have been other cases of Piss Poor Parenting(which will be brought up- don't worry) these four take the cake.

We're going to start with Uchiha Fugaku. Though we all know what he did to his sons he has done the least amount of damage to the general world. Scratch that, Itachi _is_ an S-class criminal isn't he? But at least he kept his major disfunctions in his family.

But let us return to the main point…

**Uchiha Fugaku fucked up his sons**. Let's start with Itachi. Itachi is a nut. As one of our favorite reviews put it, there is no shit, bitch, or fuck about it; Itachi needs a nice room with padded walls and a special coat for 'self-love'. And who encouraged him to reach this stage: his **father**. We know that these bastards are ninjas, but encouraging your eight year old child to go off and kill people is _never_ a great idea. How the hell did those conversations go? "Itachi-kun, after you eat dinner, be sure to clean the blood off your kunai before your mother reads you a story" Just think, that **_feels_** wrong! Instead of encouraging your young child to become a killer, why not encourage him to become a police officer. Hell, the Uchiha _were_ the police! There was no need to have your genius idiot-savant son go out and kill people for money. It makes sense that he killed almost every last one of them, someone probably offered him five dollars, a slice of cheesecake, and the secret to ultimate power. And the ultimate power would enable him to get more money for more cheesecake and thus make his world wonderful.

Now.. we all know that what that man did to poor Sasuke is by far worse. Let's take a look at his childhood BEFORE his brother went all killer happy and slashed his family to bits. He was constantly ignored by his father. All he wanted to do was please him, and prove that he was worth it. This never seemed to get through his head. Not to mention the fact that he is also a genius but was not reconized as one by his father because of his brothers impressive shadow. Now, let's face it folks, when you are coming home from a day of school or pracitce, whichever the one it may be, and you find your ENTIRE family murdered, because of Fugaku's mis-direction how would you feel? Sasuke all around was an abused and none cared for from the start of it all. The only ray of sunshine he had was his mother, who honestly wasn't a half bad parent. She DID encourage him to succeed and that his father loved him. Granted the part about his father loving him were obviously lies. I mean what more can we say about this Piss Poor Parent other then the fact that he was a total DICK!.

Let's move onto the Wonder Twins of Naruto: the Hyuga Twins. For a quick refresher, Hisashi and Hizashi were identical twins. They shared the same DNA, the same choice of invisible wives, and above all the ability to royally mind fuck the shit out of their children. Though it must be admitted that they did have a kind of love/hate/want you dead relationship, they passed only the later two down to their children. Think about it folks, when Hinata and Neji first saw each other they didn't care. Neji even called her cute! Which was cute, in a non-incestuous way… but the main idea is that they didn't hate each other. What fucked them up was the death of Hizashi. Right before Hizashi died, he told his brother that he always hated him. What type of shit is that? "I'm about to die to save your ass. But just so you know, I hate your fucking guts." That is not a parting remark, that's the opening of a fight. And after the deed was done, what did Hisashi choose _not_ to do? Tell his only (known of) nephew the truth of his father's death. Maybe if he would have hugged the pasty punk, he wouldn't have had such a hard time telling him about his fathers' death.

And then there's the problem of Hinata. Though we all know that the entire village would have been fucked in a world without Naruto, Hinata would have been sitting in a corner hugging herself to this day. Now, dear readers, it is a well known fact that little girls with PPPs end up with lots of problems. No one makes this fact more relevent than Hinata. Shit, if she didn't know Naruto she probably would have been earning her money shaking her ass around a pole and giving Jiraya 'inspiration'. Hell, she could have been 'inspiring' two thirds of Konoha before her father would have figured it out. This bastard did not like his kid. And while we know that often times parents **don't** like their children, they shouldn't let them know it. That's just cold.

Yondaime Kazekage is the worst of the PPP's. Just in case you don't remember this fucker, I have the name of the most screwed over kid in Narutoland: Gaara. Not only did he manage to royally screw up his first two children (admit it, Temari and Kankuro have issues too), he stuck a homicidal demon in his final son and sacreficed his wife in the process. Of all souls to sacrefice to get a demon in a kid, why use the kids' mother? Who the hell else would take care of your three children! This simple fucker sold his family out for the love of money and then looked confused as hell when the shit blew up in his face. And then when he realized that his wonderful plan wasn't working, what did he chose to do? That's right fuckers, he decided to kill his problem. He ignored the fact that he caused this little problem that called him 'father' and sent some of his best ninja to kill him. Not only has he created a serious asset to the village that has no direction other than murder, he starts wasting other good ninja trying to fix the problem that he created. And yet he never chose to use the most obvious solution: hug the murderous little kid before he kills every last one of you and pisses on your dead bodies( for those of you that know, this is also called FREINDSHIP!)… um…thanks… Hellsing... Maybe finding a sutitable foster mother or taking the time out to make sure your kids aren't killing the other villagers is the least he could do! This motherfucker is just- aw **fuck it!** I (Mononoke) hate this bastard. I'm glad he's dead. I hope that he never reappears in the manga or I will attempt to burn my computer or book if I find it. Please Kishimoto-san, let this evil fuck **stay dead**.

Thank you.

Now, you might not have expected this one, but the Piss Poor Parenting spreads beyond the youth of Naruto. There were fucked up kids in the last generation too.

Take Kakashi for example. Now we know that it doesn't seem like this fucker is _really_ fucked up, but this man smokes weed for more than just fun. Hatake Sakumo is the reason for Kakashi's weed habit (well, that and glaucoma). And to make all things clear dear readers, Sakumo is the Asian half of Kakashi (see Case One). This bitch was a good example of a ninja. He was well liked, a great ninja, and well respected, and strong as hell. This motherfucker made a sword out of charka! But it all went to shit when he fucked up a mission. Now you know what happens when you're an Asian and you mess up on a mission: you better commit suicide now and get it the fuck over with. Because you are officially the black sheep of the town and will never feel joy again. Unfortunately, Sakumo decided to **not** commit suicide and attempted to live with the shame of falling from grace. This was a _piss poor idea_. After a while this masked motherfucker gave up the ghost and committed suicide. Now, overall, this doesn't make you a bad parent but if you're a kid and find out that your father is dead… it leaves you with a few… twitches here and there. Now to fight the pain of this loss Kakashi has turned towards to the two things that have never let him down: weed and porn. He doesn't overdo it ala Jiraya but he still looks.

Now we are going to move on to the Good side of parenting in Naruto, but before we do this I would like to mention one thing. Let's speak about Ten-Ten. Now… we did some research and we can't find shit on her parents. So does this make her an orphan?.. not quite. Alas I (Hellsing) have come to the conclusion that no one wants this bitch. I mean come on.. just what does she do??. She's not fucked up, she's not successful she's not the class reject. She is just the character idea that fell flat, but it was too late to pull her from the series cause she's one of the Naruto nine…and I'm done.

Once again- thank you Hellsing….

Now to the good parents of Naruto. This group is a bunch of unsung heroes in this world. Not only did they knock up their significant other, they cared for their literal fuck ups. And in the case of Might Guy, they cared for their illegitimate love child. Though we would like to praise each one individually we just don't have the time, patience, or attention spans to do so.

We're going to spit three out at once because they just happen to be best friends. You guessed it folks; we're talking the Ino-Shika-Choji group. These three men have been together forever. It got so bad that Yamanaka Inoichi (Ino's dad), Akimichi Choza (Choji's dad), and Nara Shikaku (Shikamaru's dad) were called the Three Leaves of Konoha. Their ninja pimp game was so strong that they even had their kids put together. And that dears, is called elitism- but that's another day…

But the main point is that they **didn't fuck up their kids!** Well, the jury's still out on Ino but two out of three ain't bad.

The next pair of ninja parents is using ninja elitism as well. Inuzuka Tsume (Kiba's mom) and Aburame Shibi (Shino's dad) were on the same team as well and- look what happens! Their kids are together. It might just be that they wanted all the creepy animal people together so Kiba's potential for fleas wouldn't spread but I (Mononoke) am going to leave that one alone…

Our final two parents are good examples of tough love and- well- persistence. Yeah, that's right, persistence. If you haven't guessed by now, we're talking about Nara Yoshino (Shikamaru's mom) and Might Guy. These two parents are fun! Now Shikamaru's Mom is well , damnit she's the shit!. I (Hellsing) mean she's got the husband in check as well as her kids. She wasn't having any of this whole fucked up kids disease that floats around the Naruto-verse like the bubonic plaque. I mean she feeds the fucker, smiles at him and tells him she cares and all that wonderful stuff. She can even deal with him being apathetic as all hell but dammed if she wasn't about to have a fucked up kid. Thank you thank you thank you Shikamaru's mom. I think that indeed she should be the leader of the Saved Cursed Children Foundation! (Once again case 3 !)

Now Might Guy is one of my (Mononke's ) favorite characters. Though he has a penchant for posing (as I do) and overly large eyebrows (like me) he just has that… something that I just dig. But the main point of this right now is that he **takes care of his illegitimate kid!**Now, some of you out there have a big problem with Rock Lee. Now it must be admitted that I love his weird ass and love watching _any_ drunken master, think about how Lee would have turned out if Guy hadn't been there for him. His bushy eye browed behind would be **_Venetian Blinds_**. And just so you uneducated readers don't know, Venetian Blinds is what you are when curtains are not enough. Guy took this kid in, he fed him, told him he was attractive (in his own 'beautiful eyed' way) and gave him a strong moral compass. Think about how many people have done that in our world. That shit just ain't happening. Sure Guy was cheap at times (Lee did have to wear Guy's hand me downs) but he didn't do the things that Jiraya did to Naruto. But let's go on…

Overall that sums up the positive aspects of Good Parenting in Naruto. We know it doesn't seem like much, but hey!, it's something!. Now we are getting the end of this case now, and we have one last subject to talk about. This would be the simple concept of common sense. Common sense is lacking in a very strong and un-healthy way in the Naruto-verse. If the parents and the kids alike just stopped and thought before they said/did things, have the problem would be solved right there. So much could be avoided this way, such as piss poor parenting and having orphans become Orochimaru's Angels. I mean really, it's as simple as 2 + 2 4…but then again that could be giving some of these lovely characters a little too much credit.

Common sense would save these bastards immensely. Not only would sitting down and thinking about the next course of action be beneficial, it would save us all from reading or watching serious melodrama.

With this in mind, we have a few guidelines for situations such as these

Your child is an existential, homicidal maniac and finds no other purpose in life than killing others- hug him.

Your father is a distant, cold bastard- kill him before your brother does. Or just get closer to your mom.

You have no purpose in life other than wasting air space and ink- name yourself Sakura.

Your entire village hates you for no good reason and somehow never managed to tell you why- kill them all… slowly….

You like kids but no one will sleep with you- find a kid that looks just like you and make them into your little doppelganger.

These are simple right? Now follow them!


	5. Case Five: Don't Do Drugs

Disclaimer: Yes, bitches were not dead. I'm pretty sure you were thinking that since it took like **4 million years!** to get that chapter up. Either way folks this is the last chapter in the lovely Myriad files. Once again we do Not own Naruto. It belongs to the lovely Kishimoto-san.

Myriad Files

Case Five: Don't Do Drugs!

Well, here we are down to the final words from me and the lovely Mononoke and it's a short and simple message from us to you about the Naruto. Let's just say that we think Drugs are bad! Granted one might think that we are on drugs for writing the things we have ,but that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Now, we are going to break it down to you but Drug type for you all. Let's go shall we?!

Drugs and The Reasons Why:

**Prozac:**

Neji- If I have to worry about getting my brain fried over other second I'd be depressed too. He wasn't dealt the best card in life that's for sure , and we figured that a simple bottle of Sake wouldn't be enough to solve this boys problems.

Gaara- This poor bastard needs hug, Prozac, a mom, more important than anything- NoDoze. Once this mofo' wakes, steps out his door, or sleeps, the world shits itself.

Hinata- Poor, poor Hinata. Not only is her name one long name joke, a good chunk of her family hates her. Maybe she should ask Neji to share the Sake…

Sasuke- You can't get anymore down then this mother fucker. I think he has a slight V for Vendetta issue as well as the fact that this boy was perpetually abused throughout the duration of most of his natural life.

**Depo:**

Orochi "pimp daddy"maru- ---

Zabuza- -------------------------- There is only one reason, to lower sex drive in child

Raiga- ----------------------------- Offenders.

**Ritalin:**

Naruto- --; If this boy was any more happy, we'd put him in a hamster wheel and make him run so he can power the village of Konaha. He needs to just sit the fuck down.

**Weed:**

Kakashi- Well guys this is an easy one. That man is waaay too chill not to be on weed. That and the fucker is always late, if that's not the sign of a stoner I don't know what is.

Third Hokage- What else do you think was in that pipe…

Shino- Shino, well he's black people. Come on he has the fro ,and wares shades in the day **and** the night time. Though we all know he's the cool weed head that can keep it together despite being high.

**Alchohol:**

Sakura- This bitch is crazy!. Anyone that has an inner them hovering over them, and hell just yells as much as that bitch does has to be on some strong Liquor.

Ino- Ino needs… a personality. Now, alcohol often makes one an ass, but at least it would give her a good reason to act an ass. And try to hump anything that moves. Wait, she already does that- never mind….

**Meth:**

Iruka- This is a man who lives in the school and probably talks to all the cafeteria ladies. He's your typical white boy that got caught up with the wrong crowds. shakes head

**Botox:**

Tusnade- Bitch is old. Sorry if you're around the age of fifty, but there is no way that she could keep up that jutsu year round like that. What happens when someone finds her sleeping and tries to kill the mummy that took over her body?

**Viagra:**

Jiraya- Mofo' is old. Old guys cannot get it up. Why do you think he reads and writes porn. His Mr. Jiggly isn't playing Hide the Rainbow Row© any more…

**Cocaine:**

Kabuto- Did you see what happened when he lost his glasses! That's not weed, that's coke. That shit is two types of freaky and definitely not normal.

Kankuro- That shit on his face is _not_ face paint…

**Glue:**

Konahamru &Gang- These little tit-suckers are on Clue and that's that. Don't tell me we were the only ones that had fellow classmates in grade school that sniffed glue. I know were not alone!!!

**Nail Polish:**

Itachi- Did you really have to think about this one? Damn ya'll…

And Finally, and this is my personal favorite and the one I(Hellsing) find this most ironic and humerous…..drum roll

**HIGH HOPES:**

Ten-Ten- This bitch is soooooooooooo worthless. No one wants her and she thinks that she serves a purpose but she really doesn't. That and the hope to actually **Win** a fight…. Dream bitch…dream…

Rock Lee- This kid needs to just roll a blunt and say "fuck it" for just one day. He just cares too much.

Might Guy- This guy needs to get laid. There is no bitch, shit, or (definitely) fuck about it. Until he manages to get his rocks off, he should join Lee, in his day of "fuck it".

Well here it is folks, the completion of the Myriad Files. BELIEVE IT!!!!! (dattebayo!)


End file.
